5:26 a.m. -- 2003-04-21
Entry Number : 197
Now Playing : The All-American Rejects - Why Worry
Quote for Today : none.
Today I Feel :
I've been laying in bed tossing and turning since 2 a.m. Staring at the "Ashley <3's Dexter" written on the inside of my bicep in permanent red marker. I'm not sure what possessed me to write that there. I should take a picture of it before I try to get it off..
My head and my heart have been conflicting lately, just a bit. I'm not sure what's going on with me. I know how lucky I am to have Dexter. I know he truly loves me, and sometimes I feel the same way about him as I did Ivan. And it scares me. It scares me to death..
Then there is this other guy that.. I don't know I can't describe what exactly is going on with me about him. I know that I care enough about him that I don't want to hurt him. I know that he cares enough about me to just want me to be happy.. even if I'm happy with someone else. So does that mean I just.. try to push any feelings for him away and move on? Did I make the right decision?
Sometimes I just want to hide under my bed for the rest of my life, and never put my heart out on the line again. But I guess everyone's felt like that at some point.. and if you haven't yet then you probably will at some point. If you never do feel that way.. I would worry that you didn't have a very fulfilling life..
There's absolutely no reason that I shouldn't be able to give myself completely to Dex. I shouldn't want to hold any of myself back. He's so sweet and caring and considerate, and he manages to get me smiling no matter what is wrong with me. He tells me I'm beautiful, and he makes me feel like the most wonderful girl on the planet. And deep down inside me I know that I really do love him. So WHY do I feel like I did something wrong? What is WRONG with meeee?
I just want to have one relationship work out.. I'm tired of having to get over getting my heart stomped on. And because of that, I want me and Dex to work. I want to prove to myself that I can trust someone with my entire heart again. It's like as long as I'm selfish enough to keep a little piece of my heart protected, I'm keeping my whole heart from being able to love someone completely. I just feel like my insides are pulling away from each other in opposite directions and trying to squeeze through my ribs. And I think experiencing physical pain from this is a bad thing.
I keep waiting to wake up and just know the right answer.. but that's not gonna happen.
Ashley Elizabeth
then || now
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