8:14 p.m. -- 2003-09-29
Entry Number : 352
Now Playing : Ray Finkle - Can You Hear Me Now?
Quote for Today : None.
Today I Feel :
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past week and a half. About the difference between love, and lust, and what you think is love, and what you think is lust. I know that I don't really know the difference in any of it. I can't ever be sure of my feelings, or sure of anything I think I want.
And all of this is because I don't really love myself. I don't love myself the way I am. I always wish I was something different. Prettier, smarter, thinner, wittier (is that a word?). I always want more. I'm never satisfied just being me. But I try to fool myself into thinking I'm ok with myself. I try to pretend I'm confident, and I'm not insecure around stranger, and that I'm not always thinking about what people think of me.
I know that I can't really love anyone else, until I can love myself. Completely and totally. It's selfish of me to hold anything back, or to try and protect myself. It's selfish of me to say I love someone when I don't truly love them inside and out. Because I can't. I'm always scared of the rejection that comes along with being insecure about myself.
So, I've made a pact to myself. To work on learning to love my mind, my body, my heart, my entire being, before I ever confess my love to someone else again. Because that way I know it's for real, and I know that there is less of a chance of my heart getting broken anymore. Sure that's always a risk, but maybe.. just maybe.. it might be a little less of one if I was sure about myself. Or it might not hurt as much when someone just leaves me out of his life one day with no explanation.
I know that with time, I can achieve this. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm on the right track now, and it's a track I've never been able to get on before.
I'm tired of being the cause of someone's pain, and I'm tired of being in pain because of someone else. I just want to be happy being by myself. I want to feel whole and complete without having to have a someone to hold onto.
It's seems impossible right now, but I know I can do it.
Ashley Elizabeth
then || now
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