11:11 a.m. -- 2003-03-06
Today I Feel :
I take my time
Stumbling through the rain
Searching for something
I cannot name
Always seaching
Blindly through the rain.
Today was boring. I avoided Jacob at all costs. I don't know what to do about him. I don't know what to do about anything. I feel like I've been sitting around lying to myself. And SCREW LENT. :"> I don't feel like torturing myself anymore. Wow, that lasted a whole.. day and a half.
Have you ever had the feeling that you couldn't escape? I feel like that sometimes. I just want to fly off the side of a cliff or something. Last night I had this dream. I basically got mad enough at the world that I slit my wrists and bled to death on my bed. Nice, huh? I woke up all sweaty and out of breath. It had seemed so real. So real. Now everyone will probably think I'm fucked up, but I don't care. This is, after all, my diary. Which means I can write whatever I want. I told Mark a lot of personal shit two days ago, about how I wanted to kill myself sometimes. He should feel important, until this moment I hadn't told another soul.
Anyway, on a lighter note, this weekend on of my friends is having a Mardi Gras party. A little late but, hey, I'm not complaining. This will be a good excuse to have fun for a few hours. I refuse to even acknowledge the presence of any males there. I've come to the conclusion that most men are just bastards. They can't help it. It's part of their nature. Besides, who needs a boyfriend? I mean really. The fact that I have to have a boyfriend to be "happy" makes me sick. Why not just grow up and realize you can make it alone, Ashley?
Bah, I have serious self-esteem issues. It's so obvious. I got my mid-term grades today. I have one A, two B's, and an I for .. incomplete. I'm not really sure why I have an incomplete. Maybe because I turned in some of my poetry late. I'm starting to get sick of school, and it makes me wanna be lazy. I also don't understand how I have a B in a class that we didn't have any tests in yet. Gay. Teachers are gay. I have an A in my hardest class. That just makes me laugh.
then || now
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