11:10 a.m. -- 2003-08-24
Entry Number : 332
Now Playing : Liz Phair - Why Can't I
Quote for Today : "Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?"
Today I Feel :
Well, I'm spose to be getting ready to go to my grandma's house, but I feel the need to write some more. I'm not sure what I wanna say. I'm just gonna let my fingers do the talking.
I'm tired. Like on the inside. Emotionally, I guess you would say. I want to be able to just be ok. And not feel some kind of pain for a while. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to get happy. I don't know if it's just my "teenage angst" years or what. I was laying in bed last night actually wondering what it would be like to cut my arm and see it bleed. What the hell, Ashley? Are you nuts? After all this time, you're gonna sit and think about that? Christ, man.
I'm thinking I seriously need to start going back to church. All my morals have sort of flown out the window lately. I used to be just the wonderful little church girl. I went to church every time the doors were open. I went to all the youth functions. I was very.. involved. Then the church that I went to disbanded. That was the only place I really felt I belonged. And it hasn't been the same since. Not to mention there was the whole divorce and my aunt dying right in the middle of the church falling apart. It's like I lost everything I had in just a few short months.
That's really the way it feels. And it always seems like things will get better for a little while, then fall apart again. There's never anything constant. And I guess I'm just searching for that. I want something to be steady and normal and always there. I want something real that never changes. But that's basically impossible. Everything changes. People change. And I can't stop it. As much as I'd like to, I can't.
My counselor used to tell me that I wanted to always be in control of the situations around me. That I worried over things I had no control over. He told me to fix that.. to try to remember that I had no control and by getting upset I was giving other people and things control over me. He told me that I can't worry about people liking me or my dad marrying the wrong woman because those are things I don't have any control over. He told me I needed to just tell myself everytime that I started to worry about something like that to stop worrying.
I try really hard to do that. But sometimes it just doesn't work.
Ashley Elizabeth
then || now
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