3:45 p.m. -- 2003-01-23
Today I Feel :
I don't know how many people have noticed this about me, but the thought occurred to me that I make lots of decisions and then never follow through. For example, I decided I was gonna do every assignment that my teacher's assigned and not slack off this semester, but last night I was in the middle of my Stats homework and I decided to just quit and go to bed.
Then I noticed I do the same thing with guys. It's like I get tired of them or something. I just lose interest after a while. Maybe I just haven't found the right one? All I know is I need to chill. The thing is when one guy finally gets interested in me, a million other guys do too. Then I'll go for months at a time when no guys want anything to do with me. It's a freakin pain in the ass. Of course half the guys I've started liking were only talking to me to get to one of my friends. Seriously. This one guy called me every night for a month, then when I finally got the nerve to tell him how I felt, he asks out my best friend.
So, having said all that, I have decided to just stop trying and let things flow. I don't need a guy to be happy, and I'm gonna figure out how to be happy without one. Screw trying to help people out. No one ever helped me. Plus my parents are paying someone to help me. So there.
I realized yesterday while talking to Abbey that I am truly over Ivan. I'm even to the point where we could be friends again. I guess I just kinda let go of all the resentment. Plus, I don't think my heart has enough room to hold it anymore. It's full of a lot of other stuff right now.
And when I lay in bed at night, thinking about all the things that I've been holding in for so long, my chest feels like a big rock is sitting on it. So I'm glad I get to go talk about myself for an hour on Friday. Clear some stuff up with myself. Because when you talk about yourself, actually putting into words what you are feeling, it helps you understand yourself better. The problem I have is I figure everyone has their own problems to worry about. Why would anyone wanna worry about me too? Of course I usually don't mind worrying about other people.
then || now
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