7:20 a.m. -- 2003-06-16
Entry Number : 251
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Today I Feel :
My great-grandmother died last night. She had a massive heartattack in the ICU. I feel really guilty because I can't cry about it. I'm kind of happy for her. She not in any pain now. She's gone to a better place. A place I've wanted to go many times in my life to escape this horrible world we live in. So I don't see any reason to cry. Death is scary, yeah, but is it really that scary?
I asked my mom if I was a horrible great-granddaughter. Why can't I cry about it? I tried to for a little while. In the bathtub this morning, I tried hard to cry. But the tears wouldn't come. All I kept thinking was that she couldn't feel the pain anymore.
She was 92. I think that's plenty old to die. She lived a long, full life, and God decided it should be over. And if God thinks it should be over, then I do too. Because who am I to argue with God? No one.
I'm dreading going to work with these feelings inside me. So, I thought I'd try to get them out on here. I'm not sure it's gonna work like that though. I just wish I knew that it was ok not to cry. My dad.. he's been crying ever since he found out I bet. He was always Granny's favorite grandson. I'm sure he's really sad.
I'm sad. Just not sad enough to cry. I don't understand it. I don't understand it at all.
Ashley Elizabeth
R.I.P. Granny <3
then || now
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