11:39 p.m. -- 2003-03-15
Today I Feel :
I don't know. I haven't had to sit and think for a while so I guess that's what I'm doing now. I hate when I get like this. All sullen and grouchy and shit. I mean I do like to smile ya know? I just asked Nessa what I did to deserve all this stress. And her answer was strangely enlightening.
I know what I want though. I'm just too afraid that it's something I can't have anymore. Like it's right out of my reach and try as I might I can't grab onto it. Then again. I can't answer a goddamn straight-forward question like what is it exactly that I want.
I mean I know I want someone who I can talk to, but not only that I want them to be able to talk to me too. And I'm just not getting that vibe from Mark anymore. And that of course.. truly sucks. Before. We used to talk about everything. Now, he's just pulling away from me. So am I supposed to just let go? or try to hold on? I don't know. I just need for him to tell me what's up.
I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED, IS THAT SO BAD?
Yeah.. I didn't think so. I just can't figure out what it is that I'm supposed to do. What do I have to do to be loved? If the answer includes being something I'm not, or having to change the way I look. Then, maybe I'm just not ever gonna get what I want.
I did figure out one thing. The very thing that I say annoys me about some people, is what I am. An attention hog. Yes, I am openly admitting it. I love attention. Oh well. I never said I was perfect. In fact, I know I'm not perfect and I never will be perfect and I don't actually WANT to be perfect.
Anyways, I've said my piece. So, I'm done.
then || now
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