9:53 p.m. -- 2003-07-28
Entry Number : 302
Now Playing : Saliva - Rest in Pieces
Quote for Today : "Try to remember the good times." -- from Amy's diary entry title
Today I Feel :
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my body is just a big bag of nothing. It feels like there is just a layer of skin, then nothing but air. My stomach feels like jelly. My brain feels like it's slowly expanding, and my head might explode at any moment. There's a pounding that won't stop. A deep boom, boom, boom that continues to punctuate my thoughts no matter what I try to think about. My heart's not in my chest. It's somewhere in my intestinal tract, being eaten up by stomach acid.
I want everything to go away. I want to take back every nice thing I've ever said to anyone. I want to be cruel and heartless. I want to not care. I want to not be affected.
I want to show people the real me. The me that only a few people know. The me that hides inside my head and only comes out during those special moments when I feel like I'm not completely alone.
I'm going back to my therapist when I get back from vacation. I can almost guarantee he will tell me to stay away from here. Tell me that it's no good for me. That you can't have "real" relationships over the computer. Maybe he's right. Maybe it's true. Maybe it's too easy to be selfish. Maybe it's too easy to not give your all. Maybe it's too easy to deceive.
But I know what I feel is real. I know that without Abbey, I'd have no one to spill my guts to. I know that if she didn't give me my daily reality check, I'd be caught up in this world way more than I already am. And for that, I say thank you. From the bottom of my heart, which happens to be located somewhere near my colon at the moment, I thank you, Abbey. I thank you for always being there, always believing, always caring, always listening, always standing by me. You're the only person I can count on fully. I've known you over a year, and you've never once betrayed me.
I can't make anyone feel differently, and I'm not going to try. I don't want to try to influence anyone's opinion of me. Call me names, if you like. Don't talk to me anymore, if you like. Hate me, if you like. I have no control. I don't want the control. I hand it all over to yourselves. I'm stepping away. I'm pulling back. I'm not going to beg for forgiveness for something I didn't do. It's not right. It's not fair. But, hey, life's not fair, right?
Life's a bitch, and then you die. It's less of a bitch without involving all of you.
Sometimes, I wish I could rewind to four months ago, and press the pause button on my life, and stay right in that moment forever. Forever and ever and always. Then I think, "wow, if I did that I'd miss out on someone so special." Someone who I will always remember. Someone who came into my life at a time when I though I'd never smile again and managed to make me grin from ear to ear. Someone who said he'd never hurt me and kept that promise. Someone who everyone says is much better than I deserve. That's true. He is. He's more than I deserve. He deserves to be with someone who can be there with him, to take care of him, to love him, to hold him. I can't do any of those things. My arms aren't long enough.
You can break us apart, and he can say he's leaving me, but I'll still love him. I'll still feel my heart speed up whenever I see his name. I'll sit on the beach for three days and think about him and wonder what he's doing. You can't control that. You have no control over me. You can't make me not love him. Everything will be alright. It has to be. It has to work out somehow. Abbey told me to stand my ground. That's what I'm doing. Even if it means the person I love doesn't love me anymore. That won't change how I feel. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to let go of him. Even if he lets go of me. Because I mean it when I say it. I don't just go throwing it around. I love Brock. That's the only thought that will fill my head the entire time I'm gone. Every couple I see will make me think of him. Every night I'll look up at the sky and wonder if he's looking at the same star. Every morning I'll wake up with the thoughts of how warm and cozy it would be in bed with him. That's something no one can steal from me.
So, now that my stomach has digested my heart, and I've puked it all over this page, I'll go and have the best vacation I can with thoughts of Brock dancing in my head. And hopefully no one will take this the wrong way and think I'm trying to bash them. I'm just spilling my guts. Typing what's going through my clogged up head. Where thoughts are banging around so loudly, I can hear it in my ears.
then || now
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